I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
