her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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