grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Randomize
