you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i dont even know how to be here
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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