I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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