I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
