There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
