we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
