You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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