Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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