I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Did I show you my penis last night?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
