They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
