Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
