Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
