I just pynch a tree in the face
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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