this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The adults are the big ones right?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
