Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
3 2 1 whiskey
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
