Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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