I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
