"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
