last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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