I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
