Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
