Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
