Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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