Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Randomize
