she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Randomize
