just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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