I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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