Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I think I sprained my soul last night
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
