Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
