I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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