Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
if i can run in heels then i can drive
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
