I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The cops high fived after they tackled you
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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