70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
