We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
i believe in u and ur pee
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
