I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
