Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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