I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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