And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
