I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
