one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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