Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
