my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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