I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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