i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
