I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
