I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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