I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
