Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
