I didn't shave. On purpose
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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