sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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