i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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